Many people are familiar with the sneaky inner voice that appears when we feel like we’ve failed, made a mistake, or aren’t good enough. This inner voice can be critical and judgmental, and when it shows up, it often has a significant impact on the way we feel.
Psychological research shows us that the way we speak to ourselves internally can influence our emotions, stress levels, confidence, and overall wellbeing. When our inner dialogue becomes harsh and critical, it can leave us feeling ashamed, anxious, defeated, or emotionally overwhelmed at a time when we may need something very different.
I often encourage people to do a little thought experiment around this…
Imagine somebody you really care about — a close friend, partner, sibling, or child — going through a difficult time in life. Maybe they’ve made a mistake, failed at something important to them, or they’re feeling disappointed in themselves. Now imagine responding to them by being highly critical and judgmental, or “kicking them while they’re already down.” We can usually recognise how painful and unhelpful that would be. It’s generally not how we respond to the people we care about when they’re struggling.
And yet, many of us are incredibly good at doing this to ourselves. At the times we most need support and understanding, we often respond with criticism instead.
I want to introduce a different way of approaching these moments. One of the ways we can begin navigating the inner critic is through learning self-compassion. Self-compassion is not about avoiding responsibility or simply “being easy on ourselves.” Rather, it’s about developing a more balanced and supportive way of relating to yourself during difficult moments.
Show Yourself Kindness
Self-compassion involves responding to ourselves with more understanding and kindness, rather than automatic criticism or judgment. As a psychologist, I often encourage my clients to ask themselves:
“How would I speak to somebody I care about if they were going through this?”
Self-compassion also involves holding difficult emotions with mindful awareness — acknowledging that something feels painful or disappointing without becoming completely consumed by it.
Recognise You’re Not Alone
There is also something very grounding in recognising our common humanity. We all struggle, make mistakes, experience disappointment, and go through difficult periods. Sometimes the inner critic convinces us there is something uniquely wrong with us, when many of the emotions we experience are simply part of being human.
Learning to Notice the Inner Critic
Another simple strategy that can sometimes be helpful is learning to identify and label the inner critic when it shows up. Some people even choose to give this critical voice a name. This can help create distance from the thoughts, rather than automatically accepting them as truth.
Instead of becoming completely caught up in the criticism, we can begin to notice:
“My inner critic is becoming loud right now.”
And from there, shift toward curiosity:
“What do I actually need right now? What would feel supportive or grounding in this moment?”
Learning to navigate the inner critic takes time and practice. It’s not about never experiencing self-doubt or becoming unrealistically positive. Rather, it’s about developing a more balanced and supportive relationship with yourself during difficult moments.
Learn More
Many of these ideas are drawn from self-compassion and schema therapy, which explore how our past experiences and coping patterns shape the way we relate to ourselves. Therapy can provide a supportive space to better understand these patterns and begin responding to yourself with greater awareness and compassion.
Written by Susanna Torbet, Registered Psychologist at Liorah Psychology
